Looking for a New Direction

It is Sunday and I have dropped back in to the office to clear a few more things away to get a jump on the new week. I have been alone this weekend and I have spent quite a bit of time trying to sort out my thinking to get my life back on track.

It has been ten years since I separated from my ex-wife and I am back completely alone again. I did date a couple of women over those years but I could never drop my guard and allow myself to opening up and form a complete relationship. As a consequence they each got tired of trying to get me to make a commitment and ended the relationship and got on with their own life.

Now I see the real possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am in my late fifties and it seems that women of my age are either not interested in looking for a relationship or have simply given up. If that statement isn't true then I just don't know how to go about finding a way to meet them. The few women I have met in the last couple of years have been overweight and just lived a sedimentary lifestyle. I am afraid that I just can't throw in the towel like that.

This weekend I have tried to look at all aspects of my life and the way I have been living. I am lonely and that has been pushed me to spend time doing things which I know are not good for me. The worst habit I have gotten into is frequently spending time in the only local pub up here just to have someone to talk with. Obviously that leads to be drinking which is neither good for my health or my finances. So as I was reviewing how I have been spending my time I made a commitment to stop the pub thing and get back to living a healthier and happier life.

I realize that the pub was just a poor substitution for friendship instead I will focus more on finding creative ways to fill my days. I do enjoy my work and I haven't been as effective here as I should have been because my focus has been centred too much on trying to find a personal life. I will go back to being the best I can be in my job and get satisfaction from those accomplishments.

I had hoped that restarting this blog would at least have the opportunity to talk with some other people but I have only had one comment back over the course of the last three of four months. I added a couple of links and joined a couple of blog lists but these haven't brought any visitors. I realize then that I am just talking to myself which I can do as well on my own.

Today and yesterday I went to the gym each morning. In the last few months I haven't been as focused on my health and fitness as I used to be. I have made a new commitment to maintain my health. I really do miss running it played such a big part of my life for 25 years. I ended up with constant knee pain and was told that if I didn't stop running I would have to have a knee replacement. I do an number of other things now and I need to but to good physical shape to be able to enjoy those.

Most of my life I have been involved in some creative expressions. Photography played a major role in my life for many years. I enjoyed that expression and I am going to go back to using film and my old SLR until I can get a replacement for the digital camera which is broken. I have over the years had a number of attempts at drawing and painting. On each occasion though I got sidetracked and didn't stick to learning these. Recently I have been looking at the work of a number of people who do illustrations. This looks like a great way for me to get back to drawing and painting and some outlet for creative expression. So I am going to start a illustration sketchbook not for public consumption but as a personal expression.

I love my son very much and I enjoy the time we spend doing things together. I don't want to let anything get in the way of that time we have together. But when I looked at this though I realize that he will shortly outgrow me and want to spend more time with his own friends as he ought to do. That is just part of the maturing process. I also think I have put too much emphasis on our time together and it has made me dependent on this time as a major source of social activity in my life.

I have to dig in my heels and stop the negative stuff and replace those with healthier outlets and by doing that I am hoping to find some pleasure in my life.