Looking for a New Direction

It is Sunday and I have dropped back in to the office to clear a few more things away to get a jump on the new week. I have been alone this weekend and I have spent quite a bit of time trying to sort out my thinking to get my life back on track.

It has been ten years since I separated from my ex-wife and I am back completely alone again. I did date a couple of women over those years but I could never drop my guard and allow myself to opening up and form a complete relationship. As a consequence they each got tired of trying to get me to make a commitment and ended the relationship and got on with their own life.

Now I see the real possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am in my late fifties and it seems that women of my age are either not interested in looking for a relationship or have simply given up. If that statement isn't true then I just don't know how to go about finding a way to meet them. The few women I have met in the last couple of years have been overweight and just lived a sedimentary lifestyle. I am afraid that I just can't throw in the towel like that.

This weekend I have tried to look at all aspects of my life and the way I have been living. I am lonely and that has been pushed me to spend time doing things which I know are not good for me. The worst habit I have gotten into is frequently spending time in the only local pub up here just to have someone to talk with. Obviously that leads to be drinking which is neither good for my health or my finances. So as I was reviewing how I have been spending my time I made a commitment to stop the pub thing and get back to living a healthier and happier life.

I realize that the pub was just a poor substitution for friendship instead I will focus more on finding creative ways to fill my days. I do enjoy my work and I haven't been as effective here as I should have been because my focus has been centred too much on trying to find a personal life. I will go back to being the best I can be in my job and get satisfaction from those accomplishments.

I had hoped that restarting this blog would at least have the opportunity to talk with some other people but I have only had one comment back over the course of the last three of four months. I added a couple of links and joined a couple of blog lists but these haven't brought any visitors. I realize then that I am just talking to myself which I can do as well on my own.

Today and yesterday I went to the gym each morning. In the last few months I haven't been as focused on my health and fitness as I used to be. I have made a new commitment to maintain my health. I really do miss running it played such a big part of my life for 25 years. I ended up with constant knee pain and was told that if I didn't stop running I would have to have a knee replacement. I do an number of other things now and I need to but to good physical shape to be able to enjoy those.

Most of my life I have been involved in some creative expressions. Photography played a major role in my life for many years. I enjoyed that expression and I am going to go back to using film and my old SLR until I can get a replacement for the digital camera which is broken. I have over the years had a number of attempts at drawing and painting. On each occasion though I got sidetracked and didn't stick to learning these. Recently I have been looking at the work of a number of people who do illustrations. This looks like a great way for me to get back to drawing and painting and some outlet for creative expression. So I am going to start a illustration sketchbook not for public consumption but as a personal expression.

I love my son very much and I enjoy the time we spend doing things together. I don't want to let anything get in the way of that time we have together. But when I looked at this though I realize that he will shortly outgrow me and want to spend more time with his own friends as he ought to do. That is just part of the maturing process. I also think I have put too much emphasis on our time together and it has made me dependent on this time as a major source of social activity in my life.

I have to dig in my heels and stop the negative stuff and replace those with healthier outlets and by doing that I am hoping to find some pleasure in my life.

Single Malt Whisky

Today's photo is a shot of the interior of Feathers Pub on Kingston Road on the north side of the Beaches. Ian the owner of the pub is a collector and connoisseur of single malt whiskies. The Feathers now has over 320 different single malts available which we are told is the largest collection in North America. Though I do enjoy a malt now and again I don't really know that much about them but I can tell you that even an amateur can taste the differences from the various regions of Scotland. I don't think I will attempt to distinguish all 320 in one evening though.

It is cold today and feels quite a bit more like winter than it has for the last month. I am not going skiing this weekend but I am going over to Ellicotville with a group of the other managers next weekend to ski. With this change to cooler weather I hope that the conditions will be good by next weekend.

I have spent quite a bit of time during the last few days trying to convince myself to sort out my life and get myself back on track. I have not been very productive here at work and my list of unfinished projects has grown. I just can't seem to get myself focused to concentrate on getting things completed. I have a whole list of partially completed projects. So instead of going off to enjoy myself I think I had better spend the majority of the weekend here in the office getting some things completed and other projects planned out.

I do enjoy working in my profession and I have often told people that this is what I would choose to do if I has given a choice of careers. I work in Human Resources and I enjoy working with people and helping them to be successful. I know that most people think that HR Department are only responsible for the hiring and firing but that really is less than 20% of my work. I spend much more time on developing people, resolving their problems, managing employee benefits, safety and compensation issues. Agreed there are times when I am involved with disciplinary problems and occasionally they end up with a termination as the final result but those are few and far between. More often we can encourage the employee to change or improve their performance and resolve the problem without resorting to formal discipline.

Right at the moment though I have a significant problem with a group of women who work in the same department. Three of these ladies are fairly new and two have been with the company for quite a few years. They simply are not getting along and working together. Their department manager is fairly new to the position and has pretty well thrown up his hands in despair. Now it is my turn to get in there and get to the bottom of the differences they are having and get them back to working together. This is not how I want to spend the last couple of hours on a Friday afternoon but it has to be done.

Enjoy your weekend and hug someone today.

Self Confidence

Today's photo is a beautiful lily which caught my eye while I was walking in the market. I love the rich colour.

The weekend was pretty good. I had my son and got to enjoy his company for a couple of days. Saturday morning I took him to Queen Street East in the Beach where we visited the Sunset Grill for brunch. I friend who still lives in the apartment building where I used to live was working at the grill as usual. We have know her for seven or eight years and she has watched my son as he has grown. He always gets a hug from her but on Saturday she stopped midway through serving another customer to grab him and give him a hug like a long lost prodigal son. She then apologized to the customer and finished taking his order. She returned to our table to lavish attention on the boy again. He is now almost the same height she is and she tell him can't get over the change in him from the last time she saw him which was only about six months ago. He has grown but he is still a bit short for his age which bothers him. I've told him he is growing fine and will spurt to catch up to his friends anytime now but it is when someone else pays attention to his growth that goes a long way toward building his self confidence. Parent's comments don't seem to have the same impact as the comments from others.

He got a second boost to his ego on Sunday while we were at a local mall. The mall was very crowded and we were rushing to get a few things done before I had to take him home. He was walking through the crowded aisle about six feet in front of me when he passed two cute young girls of about his age. His is oblivious to the folks around him as he is on a mission to get to the West 49 skateboard store. As he passes the girls they both turn to look at him then as they pass me, not realizing I am his father, one of the girls turn to her friend and says, "cute guy". I caught up to him a few minutes later to relay the comment and enjoy watching as his cheeks get rosy with embarrassment but it is easy to see it helps his ego.

I am so pleased to see him mature healthy and happy, I recall how miserable I was as a boy especially as I reached puberty and it is so nice to see that the right support from people that love you can make all the difference in how you see yourself. I was concerned about the impact on my son and his step sister when his mother and I separated. He appears to be well adjusted and growing up to be a pretty happy and self confident person. He's not a great student mind you but I'll take a happy and self confident person over a scholar any day.